"Real women don't need a shank"

"Singer" Mel B enjoying a well-deserved vacation at Miami Beach. Newsworthy? No. Scary? Definitely. 

There is something about Mel B that makes me feel safe when I see her. I know for a fact, that if aliens ever try and invade us, Mel B will kick their asses back to Pluto (Uranus has been over-used).

Continue reading Gratuitous Mel B Bikini Shots

"... and this water is reaaally cold"

Scarlett Johansson splashing around a swimming pool naked(ish), fulfilling all our dreams, in a scene from her new film "He's Just Not That Into You". If that was not enough, the film also stars Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connolly and Ben Affleck. Based on a famous self-help book, the film should be released in October.

How many men would admit they are going to see this film with the hope of seeing Scarlett naked? Or perhaps to see Jennifer Aniston's perfect butt? Jennifer Connolly's amazing chest? Ben Affleck's manly shoulders? Or Drew Barrymore's... erm... acting ability?

Scarlett is the acting equivalent of Haagen-Dazs, you know she is naughty and tempting and you promise yourself you will never go back. But somehow, that "spoon" always ends up back in your hand...

Continue reading Scarlett Doesn't Need Buoyancy Aids

"Can someone help untwist my spine please?"

Will Smith decided to break out into an impromptu dance whilst appearing on Ellen DeGeneres' chat show. He managed to have the audience screaming and cheering whilst showing Ellen some of his best moves. He then went on to tell the chat show host how he had romantically told his wife, Jada, that he was going to "tear that thing up tonight" when they appeared together at the Oscars.

Wow, what a lucky lady Jada is. To be torn up by a 39 year old man dressed like an Australian golfer from the 1970s who still thinks he is 17? She probably realises it could be worse though, she could be in Katie Holmes' shoes.

Apparently Will's favorite dance moves are the Jitterbug and the Gross Profit Percentage Agreement (shout "I'm rich, I'm rich" and wave your hands a lot).

Continue reading Will Smith Is The Not So Fresh Prince

"Heather's going to want bloody half of this as well"

Beatles legend Paul McCartney was awarded a prestigious Doctorate in Music at Yale University today (Monday). Over 1,000 students cheered and applauded as the musician accepted his honorary award.

This is a fair and just award for the man who came up with classics such as Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da and the simply divine We All Stand Together (with singing frogs!). Further proof that McCartney, not Lennon, was the inspired half of the famous songwriting duo.

Continue reading McCartney Graduates

"Ok you can use the hoses on them now"

Celine Dion has been named and shamed for using an excessive amount of water at her home in Marin County, Florida. Whilst the average Marin County resident uses less than 10,000 gallons of water a month, the singer used 6.5 million gallons of water in 2007. The irony is, she spends most of her time in Las Vegas.

Don't Marin County Utilities realise how much water your average superstar diva needs? All those colonic irrigations, hordes of pointless little dogs to wash, all the dirty smelly people that walk past the house and need hosing down before they offend Ms Dion's precious sense of smell? Heathens.

When asked to comment about Dion's water usage, the Atlantic Ocean couldn't reply, because its throat was too dry.

Continue reading Celine Uses Enough Water To Sink A Ship

"Can I touch those?"

Liv Tyler appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman looking distinctly sexy and vampish. The actress has recently broken up with her husband, singer Royston Langdon, and admitted the only man in her life now was her son, Milo.

What was cut from the show was David on his knees begging Liv to give him a chance, that older men are more patient (and grateful) in bed and he has powerful connections. He then asked if he could photograph her feet.

Liv can now expect hundreds of phonecalls from single actors, rich and horny producers and her vast army of stalkers fans.

Continue reading Liv's Looking For Love?