Britney Spears may not be able to see her children since the court ripped her custody and visitation rights but the pop wreck does have the ability to speak to 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James according to court documents released today. Um, I think we all know how this going to go down: Britney: Hi Jefrrey, I mean Jayden, how's momma’s little mistake angel doing? Jayden James: Vomits Britney: Is you gettin some tasty vitals over there? If you need I can send over some more gummi worms, ding dongs, and your favorite, coca-cola covered Cheetos. Jayden: Vomits some more, cries. Britney: That’s a good boy, you sound just like your momma when she was your age. Now put your brother on. Sean Preston: Hewwo? Britney: Hi Sean, do you know who this is? Sean: Hannah Montana? Britney: No you silly goose. Guess again. Sean: Dora The Explorer? Britney: Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit you ungrateful womb critter, it’s your momma. Sean: Who? Britney: Did your pappy put you up to this? Because if he did, I’ll skin him like that raccoon we found in the street and ate for Christmas dinner. Sean: We ate waccoon? Britney: I swear to jeebus that if he’s playin' me I’m a gonna pour some of this here moonshine, the real burny type stuff with them three X’s, all over his car and light it on fire. I swears I will. K-Fed grabs phone from Sean: Britney, you’re scaring the kids, what you be tellin’ them? Britney: It’s on Kevin, you haven’t seen crazy yet, I swears on all the tacos in Mexico that if I can’t have my babies, no one will. K-Fed: Did you just threaten to smoke yo’ own kids? Britney: Oi! Wanker!, stop takin’ the mickey and shut your gob before I lop off your tallywhacker. Cheerio! Click.

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Father-to-be Matthew McConaughey might be the breadwinner but that doesn't mean his baby momma Camila Alves is a gold digger. She, like 90% of famous women, has her own line of handbags, a handmade line called MUXO. But before you accuse her of just attaching her name to something that's made by 8-year-old kids in a Chinese sweatshop (they're little hands do some fine stitching in tight spots) each bag is made by her and her mother's very own hands. We spotted McConaughey wearing one of her bags We spotted McConaughey wearing one of her bags, the Coqueiro to be exact, and I have always lived by the rule that man + bag = "manbag" but according to their PR my logic is flawed and I've been living a lie. How do I create justifiable stereotypes in world where A+B does not = C?

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Did anyone tell Jane Krakowski that SAG stands for Screen Actors Guild and not an adult video award fetish category? Picture by Tonya Wise

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While Tom Cruise publicly battles thetans to try and become ‘clear’ we can’t forget about Hollywood’s second favorite cult, Kabbalah, and just like Scientology, it’s having problems of its’ own with high profile practitioners, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, possibly leaving the cult.

“Ashton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,” says one source with close ties to the Kabbalah Centre in L.A. Another source close to the couple says it’s been “months” since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Kutcher was just last week spotted shopping on Robertson Blvd. without his trademark red string.

So what? Maybe their spending time with their family, going out for a few Friday night drinks like normal people or even working hard on their projects with hopes they don’t bomb like everything else they’ve put out recently. I haven’t been to church in 14 years because I’ve been busy with hangovers on Sundays but it doesn’t mean I’ve bailed on my faith. We can always get reacquainted in rehab. As far as Ashton out shopping without his trusty red bracelet, a Kabbalah follower is supposed to wear the red string bracelet until it falls off and since we spotted Ashton at last night’s Lakers’ game wearing a bracelet, maybe he was just waiting for a replacement. MSNBC.Com: Ashton & Demi Cutting Ties With Kabballah? Picture by Kevin Reece

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Blender magazine didn’t just stick to Britney Spears’ mess of a life but they also delved into her shady hanger-on/manager Sam Lufti. Not much is known about this mysterious Mr. Lufti except that he has several restraining orders against him, one of which came after telling a friend, when their relationship had soured, to "just kill himself." Former friend Danny Haines filed the restraining order and speaking with Blender magazine called Lufti "more jealous than a lover" who would refer to him as a "worthless motherf*cker" one minute and then say he "loved" him the next. Haines eventually cut Lufti out his life, enraging Lufti who then e-mailed naked photos of Haines to his family, friends, and co-workers and threatened him repeatedly over the phone and through text messages, even going as far as saying he hoped his sister would be "raped to death." Haines says that in one e-mail to him, Lutfi wrote of Haines' mother that he hoped "Satan devours her flesh and bones" and he looked forward to the day when he would "p*ss on her burial." Why wouldn’t Britney want this guy in her life? Everyone needs a right-hand man to wish death by rape and rapture on their enemies. In this modern era a simple “go away” or “I’ll fix you” won’t cut it. If you want them to know you mean business you have to go big and wish a painful or embarrassing death on someone’s mom. Seriously try it. Next time a cyclist dressed like Lance Armstrong blows a stop sign and gives you the finger, roll down your window and tell him you hope he dies of cancer and watch him crash into a parked car. Picture by Hot Shots Worldwide

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Blender Magazine, with it's investigation into the train wreck that is Britney Spears, hits newsstands February 12th with a photoshopped picture of Britney on the cover surrounded by the things that typify what her life is made up of, a Mickey Mouse hat full of cigarette butts and an empty red bull can. For the article 'The Road to Ruin,' writer Michael Joseph Gross spent a month trailing Britney and interviewing dozens of sources and paparazzi to get a sense and feel for the circus that follows her everyday but never got the opportunity to speak with the pop wreck. Former manager Johnny Wright told the magazine:

"I'm not pointing fingers, but I can't believe that she woke up one morning and said, 'I don't want my family, or anyone else I knew, to be in touch with me anymore.' People say she needs to go to rehab. I think she just needs a friend - somebody not caught up in Hollywood, not looking for a paycheck. Somebody she trusts has to step up and break it down for her."

Another one of her former managers said that her early exposure to the entertainment business and fame warped her perception of reality and the world around her.

"She was the bread winner in her family. And when you know everyone's living off you, you learn not to trust. She was never really taught how to live. Basic things: how to balance a check book, how things get done."

I don't know why this guy needed a month to come to the conclusion that Britney needs more than just rehab to get her life back on track. It's not like the former child star spiraling out of control story is new or ground breaking but maybe, for once, since this story isn't in one of the weekly tabloids or traditional celebrity gossip outlets that tear into her daily/weekly that it will carry more weight and sink in with her friends and family or even with Britney.

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