I have never watched the Oscar's. Seriously, being a straight man (I know it's suspect but really, I am) who has spent most of his life falling short of his dream of being a pro-athlete but pretends to this day that it could still happen (the Devil Ray's could use a near-sighted pinch-hitter/utility man right?) by living the pro-athlete cliché lifestyle of alcohol, strip clubs and gambling, I have never even noticed the Oscar's were actually televised. So this is going to be new to me, not am I actually going to watch the Oscar's (sobriety not guaranteed thanks to these guys) but I am going to attempt to "live blog" it. This could fail miserably but at least I'll get credit for working right? Update 3:56: ok, 56 minutes into the red carpet and just a few things: *Marc Anthony it f*ing tiny. *John Travolta got a new wig for this and it shouts "hey you guys!" when the wind blows *Penelope Cruz is awesome *Jessica Biel has awful hair *To spite me Cameron Diaz has left the green grass of Hawaii and looks like a tampon pulled out of a sewer grate. 4:03: What the f**k is Jennifer Hudson wearing? She auditioning for another Mad Max movie? 4:09 back from commericial and through my first Arrogant Bastard Double Bastard (10%!). 4:11 Leonardo DiCaprio looks less bloated and he just admitted his mom (his date) is a starf**ker as she was running around the red carpet to meet all the celebrities. 4:16 It's official, call me creepy, Helen Mirren is hot. 4:19 Commercial break: Are black & white slow motion clips of people walking the red carpet supposed to be moving? I don't get it. 4:26 When is Celine Dion going to stop being so amazed by everything and everyone? She really needs to give up the "I'm just like you act" and start buying kayaks for people in areas of potential flooding. 4:28 wow Anne Hathaway is boring, just like her home state Delaware. Shocker. Oh and Kirsten Dunst looks like she got attacked by a box of tinfoil. 4:35 Gwyneth Paltrow looks terrible and Zac Posen should be ashamed of himself (who is that? Did she crawl inside a giant salmon? 4:37 Beyonce just said "It has been a great year to be an African-American actor." Does she talk to her dad 'cause I think he has a different view of the Oscar's? 4:42 Do we really we need a 5 minute commercial where Ellen DeGeneres talks about it and her career promoting it? 4:46 Eddie Murphy is surprisingly gracious and humble and didn't publicly deny that Scary Spice is pregnant with his baby. 4:57 Nicole Kidman is babbling about something in an awful dress, oh, accident video, blah blah oooooo my fish 'n chips is ready. 5:00, I guess the red carpet is over. who ever that chick in the red dress in the "sky box" is really needs to eat.