You’ve got to dig the divorce diet – works every time. Reese Witherspoon looked fantastic, shame the color of her dress clashed with the red carpet. Pictures by Fernando Allende and Russ Einhorn

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5:32 Is this intro the Academy's attempt at being edgy? Or funny? Is this MTV but less pop culture? 5:34 This is going on like a Saturday Night Live Skit. Seriously, kill me. 5:35 What do you think the net worth of the attendee's at the Kodak Theater is? 5:37 haven't laughed but my girlfriend just informed me that Billy Crystal used to host this thing back in the day. Thank god blogging and the internet was not around back then. 5:45 People b*tch about the Oscar's running long from what I hear so why have I just zoned out for the last 9 minutes because it sucked? 5:46 Hey, It's James Bond and that chick from BMX Bandits to present the Art Direction award. Pan's Labyrinth wins. If you haven't seen it, it is an amazingly beautiful (although violent) movie. 5:49 Maggie Gyllenhaal congrats some dude who already got his award because it was not important or cool enough to be presented tonight. 5:53 Is it just me or has Will Ferrell jumped the shark? 5:55 Yeah he has. Doing a duet with Jack Black. lame. you know what else is lame? doing a promotional song for his movie. by the way, get Talladega Nights on DVD now. 5:58 Longest lead in ever for a category no one cares about. So Achievement in makeup goes to Pans Labyrinth, muy bien! 6:01 Our future Britney Spears and Rob Lowe are presenting the short animated film award which goes to The Danish Poet. 6:03 Is Torill Kove a man? 6:04 I can't wait to see these kids cruise out of Hyde all underage and intoxicated in like 5 years. And the best live action short film award goes to The West Bank Story 6:07 alright a commercial, I don't think i have been so happy to utter those words. 6:08 How far has Andy Garcia fallen that his career now revolves around doing Cadillac commercials? 6:12 I went to the bathroom and come back to a choir of Michael Winslow's making noises. I don't know if I should be impressed or laugh hysterically. 6:22 Sorry for the disaperance but took the 10 minutes of nobodies to pound a few more beers. Stiff competition in the supporting actor category but the award goes to Alan F*ing Arkin!!! F*ck Yeah!!! Thank god it wasn't Eddie Murphy 6:31 I have seen cars about 17 times, never all the way through or from start to finish. Only bits and pieces as I have the most adorable little cousins that are obsessed with the movie. Every time I see them the movie is on in the background or we put in to shut them up but it had music? 6:36 I know Al Gore has a great cause here and it is important that we all take a look at the impact we have on this world (I carbon offset by the way) but all I can think about is the South Park episode about him, 'I'm Serial." 6:43 Holy Sh*t Jack Nicholson is bald! 6:44 Could Cameron Diaz be more smug as she announces that animated movie award? And what's with the animated characters in the crowd? Like kids are watching this? awful. Oh, Happy Feet won. lame. 6:47 The "writer" Ben Affleck is up there now. Where did they dig him up? I kid. I kid. I loved him (in a manly way) in Hollywoodland. 6:50 Something about Helen Mirren talking about Borat is really hot. Oh, Sacha is out but The Departed wins best adapted screenplay! 7:00 OOoooo, costumes...God the banter between the Devil Wears Prada Chicks is forced! Why do they have to do this? 7:03 Seriously Marie Antoinette? That movie was awful. Why not the Queen? Terrible. How many movies have been made about the French Revolution? How hard could it have been to copy that? 7:05 Boycotting till "it" is off the stage. Nothing against Sherry Lansing. 7:14 after several uncomfortable Ellen and Clint Eastwood moment Pan's Labyrinth wins another. 7:21 Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. look amazing presenting the special effects award which goes to Pirates of The Caribbean (my g/f is f*ing stoked) 7:24 Is it just me or is there something very commanding about Ken Watanabe? 7:31 Germany may not have won the world cup but they pulled out the Best Foreign Film with The Lives of Others. 7:34 yawn. I am so bored. the beers are the only reason I am still doing this. Can you believe I am missing Extreme Makeover Home Edition? Are you f*ing kidding me? Jennifer Hudson wins Best Supporting Actress? Hey Beyonce, how pissed are you? Man I wish Beyonce's limo is bugged so we can hear her tirade. I was really rooting for Abigail Breslin though. 7:45 A Jerry Seinfeld sighting, and he's not wearing sneakers! 7:47 what's more depressing the documentary's or Jerry Seinfeld's comedy? 7:49 Al Gore Finally wins something. Good for the Inconvenient Truth. 7:53 It's about time Ennio Morricone is recognized. He should have 2-3 Oscar's for all of his work. Unbelievable that he and Cary Grant had to wait so long. I wake up everyday to "L'Estasi Dell'oro" (Ecstasy of Gold for you non-Italian speakers). 8:04 I don't know if it is the alcohol or the fact that Clint Eastwood is on stage with one of the greatest composers of all time but I have tears in my eyes. 8:12 Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst stroll out. From the g/f: "Thank god she's wearing a bra." I agree. 8:15 Yay! Little Miss Sunshine Wins for best original screenplay!!! 8:18 How many awards are left? Seriously? I am going to freak out if this goes any longer. 8:23 Beyonce singing the Dreamgirls song "I know you're the best!" No sh*t girl. She has kicked your ass all year. On a side note, what is keeping Jennifer Hudson's breasts in her dress? If ABC isn't careful we are going to get an eyeful (not that I'm complaining) 8:29 John Travolta and Queen Latifah are presenting Best Original Song. Can you believe these two could technically be beards for each other? Hey Melissa Etheridge looks fantastic after her battle with cancer. congrats to her for winning. 8:37 Please kill me. this is brutal but at least Will Smith's ears are getting bigger by the day. 8:42 Mmmmm......beer 8:49 It's amazing how so many people I have never met but still have impacted my life have died within the last year. From Jack Palance, to Bruno Kirby and Don Knotts, you will all be missed. 8:54 best Actress! Finally a big category. Come on Penelope! Wait, no, come on Helen! And the award goes to Helen Mirren! 9:05 Im fading fast but one of my favorite actors Forest Whitaker, just won Best Actor for The Last King of Scotland. 9:08 Best director is tense. I really want Marty to win but George Lucas' hair is creeping me out Update: Marty finally wins! 9:14 can you get a more insane pairing than Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton to present the best film? Oh my god, this is the last award! finally, Im free. come on little miss su.....damn't. The Departed Takes. f*ck. throwing off my bracket. Anyway, im done. cant take this anymore. hope you enjoyed it 'cause I know I didn't. Pointing out the craziness of Britney Spears and the circus that is Anna Nicole is so much easier. AMF Chris

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I have never watched the Oscar's. Seriously, being a straight man (I know it's suspect but really, I am) who has spent most of his life falling short of his dream of being a pro-athlete but pretends to this day that it could still happen (the Devil Ray's could use a near-sighted pinch-hitter/utility man right?) by living the pro-athlete cliché lifestyle of alcohol, strip clubs and gambling, I have never even noticed the Oscar's were actually televised. So this is going to be new to me, not am I actually going to watch the Oscar's (sobriety not guaranteed thanks to these guys) but I am going to attempt to "live blog" it. This could fail miserably but at least I'll get credit for working right? Update 3:56: ok, 56 minutes into the red carpet and just a few things: *Marc Anthony it f*ing tiny. *John Travolta got a new wig for this and it shouts "hey you guys!" when the wind blows *Penelope Cruz is awesome *Jessica Biel has awful hair *To spite me Cameron Diaz has left the green grass of Hawaii and looks like a tampon pulled out of a sewer grate. 4:03: What the f**k is Jennifer Hudson wearing? She auditioning for another Mad Max movie? 4:09 back from commericial and through my first Arrogant Bastard Double Bastard (10%!). 4:11 Leonardo DiCaprio looks less bloated and he just admitted his mom (his date) is a starf**ker as she was running around the red carpet to meet all the celebrities. 4:16 It's official, call me creepy, Helen Mirren is hot. 4:19 Commercial break: Are black & white slow motion clips of people walking the red carpet supposed to be moving? I don't get it. 4:26 When is Celine Dion going to stop being so amazed by everything and everyone? She really needs to give up the "I'm just like you act" and start buying kayaks for people in areas of potential flooding. 4:28 wow Anne Hathaway is boring, just like her home state Delaware. Shocker. Oh and Kirsten Dunst looks like she got attacked by a box of tinfoil. 4:35 Gwyneth Paltrow looks terrible and Zac Posen should be ashamed of himself (who is that? Did she crawl inside a giant salmon? 4:37 Beyonce just said "It has been a great year to be an African-American actor." Does she talk to her dad 'cause I think he has a different view of the Oscar's? 4:42 Do we really we need a 5 minute commercial where Ellen DeGeneres talks about it and her career promoting it? 4:46 Eddie Murphy is surprisingly gracious and humble and didn't publicly deny that Scary Spice is pregnant with his baby. 4:57 Nicole Kidman is babbling about something in an awful dress, oh, accident video, blah blah oooooo my fish 'n chips is ready. 5:00, I guess the red carpet is over. who ever that chick in the red dress in the "sky box" is really needs to eat.

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Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore took a smoke break from their rigorous frolicking in the Hawaiian surf. That doesn't look any cigarette I've seen unless Drew and Cameron hand roll their own smokes.

Continue reading Drew and Cameron take a "smoke" break

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Victoria Beckham is back in Los Angeles and we can only hope that her robo breasts have been invited to walk the red carpet at the Oscar's with her husband David Beckham. I can only imagine how many dresses she tore through for that perfect form fitting cleavage revealing mess in an attempt to stand out on the red carpet. I can't wait. More pics after the jump!

Continue reading Robo Breasts have landed

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From some of the email I get, a few of you are really into Pink. I don't get it. Something about a dude in a skull bikini top just doesn't do it for me. You know what I mean? Anyway she is down in Miami enjoying the winter weather there while her wife husband Cary Hart is in Las Vegas filming his awful tattoo shop reality show. More pics after the jump!

Continue reading Miami gets a little Pink

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